Doodle

"And I realize that no matter where I am, 
whether in a little room full of thought, 
or in this endless universe of stars and mountains, 
it's all in my mind."
-Jack Kerouak

I'm in a state of great mental upheaval.

Optimistically, I think it's a nice place to be, because it feels like the only way I can go is up.

I doodled the background on this page, which was tedious, and the little leaf doodles, which I enjoyed.

I've realized that I am not happy, which is no great revelation,

but I don't know exactly what would make me happy.

And that thought is scary.

Because what if nothing makes me happy.

Because when I think about the question, what would make me happy, 

I really, honestly, from the depths of my being, have no idea.

The little puppy thank you is a doodle by my friend, Gayle.  It is her go-to doodle.
The bird is from a tutorial by Tamara LaPorte (Willowing) on YouTube.

My friend asked me that question recently, 

and the fact that I don't know has paralyzed me somehow.

Today we were talking about it again and she pointed out that maybe the question was too big.

I am a sort of all-or-nothing type of person, 

so of course I was trying to answer the question in an all encompassing way.

So she said, instead of answering that question, maybe try a different approach.

Name five small things that would make you incrementally happier. 

Not things related to work, or my friends, or my family, 

but five small things that would make me happier.

And that helped me quite a lot, because initially, I was trying to name something that would solve everything for everyone and it would have to be something huge and earth-shattering.

But sitting here thinking about it now, I can come up with many different things that would make me slightly happier.

And I like that she didn't tell me I had to do them, just that she wanted me to think of them.

I'm sure she will tell me to do them eventually, but she didn't tell me yet, and that feels like there's some pressure taken off the whole situation because of it.

It makes me feel silly and fragile to write that part out, because I tend to be harsh and demanding with myself.  If it makes sense, just do it and get it done.  Quit being such a wimp and get on with it.

But the truth is, I feel fragile lately. 

I feel like, however out of character it may be to admit, 

I need some gentleness.

That's not something I ever thought I needed, nor is it something I'll probably ever get from another person...but I can be gentle with myself...and that's ok.

So for now, all I have to do is think of five small things that will make me minutely happier.

And maybe, in the future, if I can just work on taking those small baby steps, one at a time, they will add up, and I can inch my way into feeling much happier than I do right now.