Pattern

I've heard it said, more than once, that crazy people don't know they're crazy.

Or, I suppose I should say, mentally ill people don't know they're mentally ill.

But that's not always the case.  

Painting in broad strokes like that generally glosses over a fair amount of truth.

Nuance and detail is ignored for a more easy answer.

But I know there's something wrong with me.

I've known it for as long as I can remember.

Ahh...green...the best color of all.

Until I was in my twenties, I didn't experience emotion.

I understood mentally what emotions were, but I never really felt them.

I knew that wasn't 'normal', but I didn't know how to be any different.

Then, one day, I got the help I needed and I learned what it is to experience emotion for myself.

It was weird and painful and beautiful.

It remains weird and painful and beautiful.

It was hard to deal with, because I had no experience reining in my emotions.

I had to learn how to not let my emotions overrun me.

Most people get practice with that right from the get-go.

But I didn't, and it was a steep learning curve, let me tell you.

"The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter-it is the difference between the lightening bug and the lightening."
-Mark Twain
Sorry for the blurriness, I didn't realize it was until now!

Now, I find that I can turn my emotions on and off...like a light switch.

I try to leave them turned on, but sometimes it's very tempting to flick the switch and not feel.

"This is tricky.  You have months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought.  And then you can get hit with a day, or an hour, or a half a second when so much happens it's almost like you got born all over again into some brand-new person you for damn sure never expected to meet."
-E.R. Frank

In addition to my other ...weirdness?  abnormality?  meh, you pick what to call it...I have PCOS.  PCOS is a hormone disorder that is fairly common.

But when my PCOS combines with my other crazy, I get super crazy...it's like regular crazy, but twenty times worse...also, there's a cape...

To regulate my hormones, I'm on birth control.  I have been for a long time now...my body is used to it.  But recently, I had to go off the birth control for a while, and, man oh man, did my crazy act up.

I've been on birth control for almost twenty years...I forgot what I used to be like.  Also, I didn't have emotions until after I started taking the pill.  Also, I'm not used to dealing with it anymore, so I'm out of practice controlling full-blown crazy me.  I'm back on the birth control now, and things are getting back to my normal crazy level, which is much more manageable.

But for the short time I was off it, holy crap, did I want to turn off my emotions.

I have, like most people, certain patterns of behavior.

I'm lucky and unlucky in that I recognize mine.

I have to be so careful with where my mind goes.

Maybe that's not fair; I suppose most people are similar in that regard.

It's just that I have a tendency towards extreme impulsiveness that ends up hurting the people around me and myself.  And when I get to a certain point, it doesn't matter that I recognize what's going to happen and that there will be negative consequences to my actions.

I'm going to do it anyway.

Because later doesn't exist; I might be dead later.

But so far, I haven't been dead.

And then I have to deal with all the guilt and regret and shame.

Over and over and over.

Because my impulse control doesn't work, but my can't-let-go certainly works on overtime.

I know I need to sleep.

Everyday I have to wake up and battle myself.

And it's hard work, and even when I don't want to sleep I have to try to make myself, or things just get worse.  I need to sleep, so I'm strong enough to win the day's fight.

I never would have believed it, but eating better helps too.

When I started eating more fruits and veggies instead of fast food as an adult, I couldn't believe the difference it made.  But fast food is easy, and it's easy to pick the easy thing.  I need to pick the harder thing so things will be easier in the long run.

Being outdoors helps too.  Even just sitting outside for a few minutes helps.

Getting away from the computer and the phone and the noise helps.

I need to remember that...even in the disgustingly hot days of summer, I can stand a few minutes.

None of these things really solve my mental health issues.

They help the symptoms, but the root cause remains.

I wish I knew how to fix the problem, but I don't.

I don't know if there even is a solution to be had.

But I do know it won't be solved by doing nothing.

I have to work at it, even when I'm tired of fighting.

I'm worth fighting for.